Nothing shakes your world AND your faith quite like the untimely death of a loved one.
You prayed and prayed hard, begging and beseeching God on their behalf. Unfortunately, I have no comforting words to share except to say: been there and that it happens to the best of us.
Sadly, many people never rebound from such a blow. How exactly do you trust and love a God who does, at times, seem arbitrary…How to trust a God who sometimes does NOT allow the sick to recover? What when the prayer that wasn’t answered or is even seemingly denied now pins you down like a fallen oak tree on a car that was once cruising along?
I’ve been immobilized in that way, filled with disappointment, grief and in the end a newfound, unrelenting doubt towards God.
Where, now, is the loving God so spoken of all my life- now that my dear dad lay there unresponsive on a cold bed in the Emergency Room. His death was a bit sudden and very unexpected, as he was so full of life just a couple of weeks earlier. That would have been Thanksgiving. That day we shared food, nearly argued, then hugged and prayed together upon parting. On December 14th, he was gone and I sat with his lifeless body at the hospital in my childhood hometown. My anger at God sat with me, smoldering just beneath the surface. Angry and stunned..faith shattered on the ground.
I should not complain. I won’t pretend that I didn’t have 50+ wonderful years with my dad, that he wasn’t 85 years old. Still I wanted more. I’d envisioned at least 10 more years together; him grinning from ear to ear when his twin grandsons graduated high school. We were supposed to celebrate mommy’s 80th birthday together and his 85th!
When he fell sick, we prayed and believed. The extended family prayed. Yet, it all seemed to fall flat and on deaf ears. How could a loving God be so callous towards me, his “beloved” daughter? Sometime in the aftermath of the raw grief of fatherlessness, I am reproved.
I’m reminded that I am not truly fatherless and that my heavenly father knows best. I know that Daddy had been a bit weary and longed for his heavenly home for many years. What seemed a callous act towards me was a very loving act towards Daddy.
Thus, God is still good, though life in the moment may not seem good. Make it make sense, we say. I believe that it will someday. For now and forever, His Word is still to be trusted and hoped in and our prayers of faith should still go up.
As we continue our faith journey after a devastating loss like death, our new prayer may be like that of the father in Mark chapter 9 who had waited so long to see his son healed: “Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”
Some will prevail and yes sometimes the only answer is: my grace is sufficient.
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