Nostalgia– a bittersweet emotional state characterized by a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a former time, place or condition.
There was a young father who posted a video of himself on YouTube today, crying his eyes out because his son is starting kindergarten. “.. It’s my first time being without him in 5 years..” he said, something like, through his tears.. Some in the comments called him a loving father, others felt he was especially sensitive and over reacting.
Me, I deeply related. He is correct, you never get back the days and some days are gone forever. I rejoice in milestones met and new beginnings, yet my heart always remembers and yearns for a time passed.. A time called the past.
Since my sister Sandy, brother Willie, mom, dad and my stepmom have transitioned, I have lived there in that place, between the past and the present. In Nostalgia, USA.
I’ve lived in various cities, but seem to get stuck there; a prisoner to my memories. Mommy, my birth mother, passed more than 50 years ago, when I was just 4 years old. Early in life, I remember feeling as if I was born broken, but in time, I realized, it was just from being hurt so deeply, so young. I was actually born into something wonderful. I have since, longed for that time with my birth mother, remembering the love I DID have and the love I didn’t get to have with her. It was certainly a special time that we shared, my parents, sisters and brother Willie, there in our row home in Camden, NJ in the late 1960’s early 70’s. I had two “big sisters” and was super excited to be in preschool. At night, I’d climb into bed between my parents in what felt like the safest place in the world.
When Mommy passed shortly after, at the tender age of 40 years old, all wasn’t lost. Daddy stepped up to singly parent us for the next 3 years or so. We moved to Willingboro, an up and coming suburb about 20 miles north of Camden, yet a world away. I’d start Kindergarten here! After my school day, I’d wait patiently at the window in the upstairs bedroom for a sibling or daddy to arrive. I wasn’t particularly fearful, but it was always a relief when Daddy came through the door. On the weekends, trips to the Christian Cinema in Ambler Pennsylvania are forever etched in my heart and mind. It was also a time of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Song of the South, and the Sound of music. We had all suffered a great loss, and though there was a certain sadness, I don’t recall it as much. When Daddy did remarry, my sisters and I missed those days when we were the only apple of his eye.
We went on to have a good life. My new mom being from Thailand and a registered nurse, brought a sweet new nourishment and rich culture to our lives. Kao pad, Pad Thai, and squid, mingled with collard greens, cornbread and vitamin C. A new mom and a new baby brother.
We certainly had our struggles, but it seems, somehow more idyllic as I reflect. That’s nostalgia for you! Living there in a constant state is a great time stealer. Sometimes the evil one steals the joy of the moment and sometimes it’s us and our glossed up memories. “God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December, ” says J.M Barrie. It’s true, let’s just not linger too long at those roses and miss the fresh fallen snow of the years end or the golden daffodils in the spring.
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